30 Hilarious Authentic Truths about being a Boy Mom

I love my boys although I’m definitely outnumbered in my house. I have three sons, my husband, a male dog and two male guinea pigs. My dog Frida and I are the only females so our boy to girl ratio is 7:2. Yikes! Good thing I’m a strong woman or I’d get lost in all that maleness. I love being a boy mom though I’ll admit they do drive me solid boggly-eyed crazy some days.

These are thirty things I’ve learned as a boy mom. This is meant to be somewhat facetious and funny, but yes it’s all true.

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#1:Teen boys can eat their weight in pretzels in just three months and not gain a single ounce of fat.

This is not an urban myth; this is the absolute truth. I have witnessed it.

#2: Never just sit down to use the toilet, always check the seat first.

If I do not check the seat first, I am in for a bad wet irretractable surprise. Moms of newly potty trained boys, expect this toilet seat checking will be your life for many years to come. Even when the boys are older because the peeing outside the toilet does not get any better.

Personal Tip**Never ever pee in the dark without visually inspecting for a dry seat first. I’m serious. Don’t do it. While you are at it check the floor too.

#3: Urine can eat through paint. I’m not kidding.

I was amazed to learn how urine can eat through paint on toilet seats and corrode out the bolts attaching the toilet seat to the toilet. Urine can stain the white calking at the base of the toilet and bleach will not help you. Urine will take the finish off wood floors and seep into the nooks and crannies of the toilet where you can’t reach to scrub and cleanse.

Get used to it. It’s a firehouse they can’t control and they will water the walls too. It’s not a wild spray just when they are babies or toddlers…..trust me, I have three boys and we are on our fourth toilet seat so I know. I’ve walked into the bathroom with a mortified shudder hundreds of times upon seeing wet mark streak lined walls. Some days the bathroom needs an hourly scrub down.

#4: What one boy takes to use, the other suddenly wants or was about to use.

Yes, he was just about to use that before he took it. Seriously. He is not kidding. He really was about to use it. This happens all the time at my house. One son takes the cushions off the couch to make a fort. Immediately another son protests spouting out he was about to lounge on said cushions to play a video game. Right. That’s why it sat there unused for four hours, now suddenly he was about to use it. I’m sure girl moms encounter this one too.

 

#5: Food Disappears in Bulk Fashion in a Blink

I can’t say enough about food. If I buy a box of Cheezits, I’m lucky if it lasts 24 hours. It might last 52 hours, but it certainly won’t last 53. I can’t keep up with keeping enough food around they consume it so fast. A dozen eggs are barely enough for a breakfast just as three frozen pizzas are barely enough to feed our family of five for dinner. I must label all foods and drinks with a sharpie with DO NOT EAT if they are bought for something specific like a team practice otherwise they will inhale that too. Food definitely disappears in bulk fashion in the blink of an eye.

Related Post: Young Teen and Tween Boy Conversation Starters for Modern Moms

Related Parenting humor post: Ready my funny story about how kids can be so literal. The Funny Truth of How I Literally Starved My Son at Lunch.

#6: Incessant Fort Making Happens

All things in the house are free game for fort material. Sheets, clothespins, couch cushions, chairs, shoes, blankets, string, bungee cords, books, curtains, bar stools, pillows, and more. They will use every stinking piece every darn time. Then not clean it up. They will make forts on stairs landings, in the middle of the living room, and outside. Forts upon forts. Love the forts for creative play but they sure muck up a walkway. But I let them do it. Every time.

(I could have said incessant fart making because that happens too!)

#7: Kitchen Utensils are Used for Crafts

Knives are used for cutting. Right, that’s true. But at my house they are also used for crafts. I’ve walked in on my son sawing pencils on my cutting board to create parts for crafts. He has sawed open pens to get out the springs inside. The one he really likes is the serrated one because he can saw wood and cardboard. I’ve found pieces of wood and splinters of plastic bottles on my cutting board hanging out there like they belong. I tell my son they do not belong, but he just doesn’t get it and stares at me blankly. I love his creativity but he sure is a tornado. Let’s just say my knives are not the sharpest. But since I love his creativity I allow him to use them.

Related post on crafts for boys: DIY Craft Bin for Boys

DIY Slime Kit Gift for Crafty Kids

#8: Crafts are Seriously Messy

They will see craft videos online and try to emulate them. My son is making a great fur head mask now. However I get pieces of plastic mesh and foam scraps constantly all over the floor as the mood strikes him to suddenly trim it. Again he is a tornado leaving scraps about in his whirlwind mad dash of creating. I’m sure girl moms get this one too.

#9: Boys Must Have Some Sort of Physical Activity Several Times a Day

Boys must climb and stand on all pieces of furniture: chairs, couches, tables, end tables, and railings. They must always jump. I remember one time when I was so sick I couldn’t even stand up. At the time my boys were six, four, and one. The six-year-old was off to kindergarten so I had the other two home. The one-year-old kept climbing on the kitchen table to stand on it. I couldn’t get up so I had to instruct the four-year-old to get him down. About 65 times. They need to get their energy out especially in the winter so I allow this within reason.

#10: They Throw Everything

All toys will become a projectile. Enough said for this point.

#11: So, In Connection with #10 Learn to Dodge Flying Objects

Learn to dodge foam bullets and flying footballs in your spare time. Face it that you will never be good enough to dodge them all. You will get pegged at some point.

#12: Laundry Never is Done. Ever.

If you are a mom to young kids, don’t expect laundry to get any faster or easier as they get older. It will get worse. The clothes will get bigger. You will add in sports jerseys, and oftentimes two pairs of clothes per day due to getting wet outside, getting peed on by the guinea pig, or just because those pants didn’t feel right today. One load of laundry can come from all three boys having a one and a half hour football practice in the evening.

#13: Odors Happen

The smells from the boys will not improve as they grow. Fellow boy moms get used to crop dusting of toots and announcing of farts accompanied by laughter. Get used to accusing and denial of farts too. Some gladly claim them, yet some will utterly deny.

#14: Burping is Easy

Burping is as easy as breathing. I’ve lived four decades and I still can’t burp on purpose but they’ve all figured out how to do that before the age of six.

#15: They Have Their Own Ideas of What Constitutes as Fruit

They think fruit snacks are fruit and will argue with you that they are right until they are blue in the face. Maple syrup is fruit too because it comes from trees. Ketchup is fruit too because it’s made from tomatoes.

#16: Carpooling for Sports Practice Hurts the Nose

Driving four thirteen-year olds home from football practice will fry out your nose. The ride will make you realize you were wrong when you thought you’d smelled the worst smell of your life emanating from your child.

Need gift ideas for a teen or tween boy? Check out my ideas Gift Ideas for Young Teens and Tweens

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#17: Stink Lingers

Shoes and socks can stink up an entire room for days. Febreeze is truly your friend. Bless you Febreeze.

#18: They Fight Too Hard Sometimes

They will fight and hurt each other. They just can’t keep their hands to themselves. Forcefully ripping the Xbox controller from your brothers hand is deemed ok because brother didn’t give it when asked.

Every car ride means a fight. No matter how long or short it is, a car ride contains at least one fight, jab, insult, punch, or slap. But boy moms, the saving grace is there is also laughter, lots of laughter. To reduce squabbles get a minivan, an SUV, or some vehicle where there can be space between them or you will suffer terribly having to listen to fighting on all family drives.

#19: Movie Night Changes as they Grow

No one will want to watch the same movie for family movie night once the oldest kid hits the teenage years. Good luck with that one. It’s a battle. No one agrees. Once we searched for two hours to find a movie, but the kids still couldn’t agree on one. Then our projector died. No lie. We were not meant to watch a moving that evening, clearly!

#20: The Boys Can Inhale Junk Food as They Pass By

Junk food like donuts and Doritos can be inhaled just by simply walking by. No joke, I’ve seen it happen. Cheese popcorn bags can disappear in just ten minutes flat. I’m not kidding.

#21: It’s Never Quiet

It is not quiet and it won’t be unless they are asleep or gone. Mix in two dogs and the Xbox video game and silence will completely be out of grasp. I’ve gone into the pantry to make phone calls and even then someone might still knock on my secret pantry phone booth door.

#22: They Will Interrupt Shower Time

My simple taking a shower means it’s fair game for knocking on the door for any and all minor problems. It’s justified because someone won’t turn down the tv or because one is hungry. Another one needs help opening a fruit snack pouch. He also needs chicken nuggets too and so-and-so left the remote on the couch so the guinea pig ate the buttons. Impatience is rampant.

#23: Licking of Plates Will Happen

Ketchup will be licked off plates. Syrup too. After all they are fruit, right? Ha! I can’t get over this one. It bears revisiting because every last pseudo fruit streak must be fully savored and not wasted.

#24: Someone Always Gets Hurt

Every game ends up in someone getting hurt preceded by several outbursts of “Ow! Hey you can’t do that!”

#25: Football Happens

Football will happen in the living room. Daily. No matter what. You can’t stop it.

#26: Toys are Everywhere

Get used to toys in your living room. I’ve had toys in my living room for years now. Granted the types of toys have changed through the years. We’ve just added a basketball hoop inside. I’m serious, we did. We have one of the small hoops that go over the door. Our hoop hangs from our front door and when they are home it gets almost used every single hour. It’s therapeutic for them and gets out their energy which is a good thing so I allow it.

#27: Laundry Baskets Live in the Living Room like Pseudo Furniture

Baskets of unfolded, but clean, laundry are so prevalent in the living room that my boys will take them and use them as building components of their forts. This is so wrong I know. The baskets are now seen as pieces of regular living room furniture in my house. I seriously can’t keep up with putting it away in a timely manner. I’ve learned to let it go. No Elsa joke here.

#28: The Smells, This Time from Shoes

Again with the smells. Keep the Febreeze handy for spraying basketball shoes, football shoes, football pads, and everyday tennis shoes. Remember the bathroom. Keep the spray handy at all times.

The current toot number tally for the day is announced proudly. The loudness and stink of toots are rated out loud as if discussing normal topics like the weather or what was eaten for dinner.

#29: The Chaos Increases with Groups

The house will suddenly become way too small when you have six newly minted teens playing some sort of tag game where they hide from each other avoiding being tagged. This game has a name, I believe it’s fittingly coined maniac, but there are so many I can’t keep them all straight. Get ready for door slamming and screams as they run outside, around the house and come back in livid with wild squealing abandon. It’s so loud and chaotic on those play date days I struggle to concentrate enough for a simple task of just making toast.

Oops! I can no longer call it a play date. It’s to be called hanging out. Silly me. Yes, they do still squeal.

#30: Components of Nature Become Projectiles Too

Sand will be flung as will snow balls, rocks, and sticks. At some point the laughter will end because someone will get hit and hurt. They will keep going until someone gets mad enough to strut off in a huff. The fun will start up in exactly nine minutes once he is over it.

Now Repeat This List Daily

Now repeat this list every day. You weren’t really busy trying to cook, clean, work, or find your own leisure activity, were you fellow parents? Nah, that would be silly!

But I really love my boys and being a boy mom. I love them despite their messy, stinky, incessantly hungry, active, bickering sides because they are also sweet and good boys. They make me laugh and we have fun. They are smart, athletic, and creative.

Being a boy mom rocks.

I love Tinyprints!!!

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